Friday, August 2, 2019

Herniated Discs Suck

Editor's note (haha I'm the editor as well as the writer):  This post has been written several times over the last week and honestly, I've thought about not posting it.  But in trying to document this stupid injury, I'm posting it because this is how I feel at the four month mark of dealing with a herniated disc.  I go from what you will read below to feeling alright - often in the same day. 

This week has been a rough one.  Not because of pain particularly, although any time I got a zap of pain that added to it.  No, it was because I was - I am - sick and tired of this.  I'm done.  Or should I say, I want to be done.

I hate this and I hate that it's still ongoing.

I hate everything I have to do and everything that I cannot do.

I hate the thought of never getting to do some things again.

I hate how sad I am.

I hate the pins and needles I feel in my leg and I don't care if it means the nerve is awakening.

I hate that when I get an injection, I get miserable side effects that last for days.

I hate having to lose a week or more to that stupid injection.

I hate that my dental assistant said "something is different with you" when she brought me back to her chair.  She looked at me and said "you've lost the sparkle in your eyes" and she's not the first person to say that.

I hate being like this.  I know there are a lot of people who are dealing with way worse things than this, and to them I say I'm really sorry you are going through this and I hope things get better for you very soon - and I mean that. 

I hate that when asked what I did today my answer is PT exercises, writing whiny posts, and watching Veronica Mars.

I hate that I'm bored, I hate that I'm boring.

I hate that I'm probably going to publish this post instead of deleting it like so many others.

I hate that I'm not the blogger I used to be.  And I'm sorry about that.  I hope you guys stick with me through this but I wouldn't blame you if you moved on to more interesting blogs.  I just wish this was over.

15 comments:

  1. Having posted my share of these kind of posts, I get it! Not being able to be yourself, to be restricted by illness or injury or pain or all of the above just sucks. The sadness gets to be overwhelming. But when the symptoms subside and I'm feeling good, reflecting on that and realizing just how bad you really felt makes you really appreciate the good days. At least that's how it is for me. Better days are ahead, my friend. I'm here for you. Hang in there. <3

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  2. You are exactly the same blogger that you have always been. You are honest, kind and you have an amazing heart. (Paco told me!). The subject matter has shifted somewhat...but not too much because Paco is still the star! But being serious....the subject matter has shifted a bit....but this is NOT the first shift in subject matter for your blog. You can’t wrote a long lasting blog without an occasional shift....because we change. Our goals change (losing weight...to maintaining...to running...to biking during an injury...to family...to pets...to a herniated disk and to whatever life throws at us.) and when our goals and life focus changes, we write about it because...this is life! Keep writing. I for one am still reading and will continue to read...and I suspect it is good for you to get your emotions and thoughts out in words.

    That said....my heart broke for you when you write about the dental hygienist commenting about the sparkle being gone. So what can you (we because you’re not in this alone...I may be far away but I’m invested in you and your story!) So to get the sparkle back? No your life can’t be exactly what you want it right now. But what can you handle (even if temporary) that will fill your days and bring you happiness. I know...easier said than done!

    Hugs to you my virtual friend. You are going to come through this stronger than ever....and the world better watch out then!!!

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  3. It does suck. I have been in recovery mode with several other things, besides lower back, down for months, and it is very tough.

    I think it is the brain part that is getting to you, side effects that give your brain fog, because you are not able to get involved in a project.

    My lower back, which took a very long time, I cross stitched. (I did not have brain fog.) so much cross stitch.

    In bed for a pregnancy, I read, that one was easier because it had an end date, with a healthy baby. But it took me nearly another year to get totally back on my feet after having been down so long.

    I had an epic asthma attach that hit last summer and had me down and attached to nebulizer for a long stretch. In fact I was sitting in the top row with my machine plugged in watching (that same baby) graduate (masters) a year ago this month. And then I sat plugged in watching everyone else pack her apartment that day.

    And that asthma episode sank me quite a bit. I felt too bad to do anything. In the end my husband did several household projects which allowed me to watch/direct, and that helped. And then I started working on genealogy and that helped a lot.

    Are you getting outside regularly? Because even if you are just laying/sitting, fresh air and new view helps.

    Are you able to walk, even if it is just to mailbox and back, many times a day, it helps.

    I have learned that one has to make now better, in whatever state you are, and not focus on getting back to how you were and what you used to do. Do what you can now. And find something that you can do for distraction/interest.

    And isn’t interesting the “snapshot” that the dentist office gets of us every 6 mos.

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  4. Just wanted to let you know that I read you blog and enjoy it and don't find it boring. I am inspired by you and your words. Sending best healing thoughts your way.

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  5. Four months!! Its hard to believe its gone on this long. Yours is one of the few blogs I still read and I don't intend to stop reading ever! Hoping you have a little cheer this weekend.

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  6. I'm so sorry Shelley. I have no words of wisdom or advice - just know that I am truly sorry you are going through this - and you have every right to feel the way you do. It does suck AND I truly believe that you will get your sparkle back eventually. In the meantime, keep writing because like Debby, yours is one of the few blogs I still read regularly! I love your authenticity - you won't lose readers for being real.

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  7. And I hate that you're going through this, Shelley :-( But I also will continue to look forward to M/W/F, because yours is the first blog I read on those days! You, and what you have to say, has value and worth and just the right amount of snarkiness (spiced up with dog pics) no matter the topic or the tone. So please keep writing when you're up to it - your Web peeps need to know how you're doing!

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  8. Herniated discs do suck and can kiss my ass. But they also LIE because all those things you are saying to yourself are coming from that telling you that you are not worthy or ever going to be again. LIE!!! You are a great blogger and the best part about you is how you have so generously shared with us, your random internet readers. And we are greatful and love you for it.

    Here’s to more hours of healing and hopefulness and way, way less of all that other junk.

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  9. I hate that you are going through this. :( Virtual hugs.

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  10. Hugs Shelley; I've been reading the whole journey and haven't been commenting. I'm so sorry for your injury and the length of time it is taking to get well.
    Your positivity in your posts comes through and I guess you don't realise how much it gets you down when it is your new reality.
    How about setting yourself a new challenge to watch something new every day e.g. a documentary, movie, you tube make up tutorial you get the picture. It might be awful at first but at least it breaks up the monotony of your daily life at the moment.
    Thinking of you

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  11. So sad to hear. I wish I could take away your pain.

    I was there for 5 months.

    I got better but I was never sure that I owuld run again. I also wasn't sure if I could deal with not running again.

    I did run again and better than before.

    That wish my wish for you.

    But if you can't, you have so many other talents. You'll find your way,

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  12. Oh my gosh, Shelley. You are NOT boring, and we love you, and your blog. We are not going away <3

    These feelings are 100% normal so post them away! You are in such a shit situation and it would be odd NOT to feel all this frustration.

    I am concerned about losing that sparkle. :( Are you seeing a professional about these struggles and the sadness that comes with it?

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  13. I have a friend who has this injury. It is truly awful. I feel so sad about it.

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  14. Sending you healing wishes and support hugs. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. This blog reader is not going anywhere.

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