Monday, March 15, 2010

Self-Doubt

I had the suckiest of suck runs on Sunday. Sorry for the language, but there is no better way to describe it. It was our first warm day of the year - about 80 degrees - and the sun was beating down. No sunscreen - it just didn't occur to me. I barely made it a mile before I had to stop and walk! What was up with that?!? I've been running 3 miles without stopping for a couple of months now! My breathing was all ragged and I felt sluggish. We eventually started running again, but I had to stop and walk. Run, walk, repeat. It never got any better. What an embarrassment. And now, a few hours later, I sit here with the backs of my thighs sore, a slight sunburn, and a head full of self-doubts about all of my running plans. What happened to the person who ran a 5K last Sunday and felt great afterward? How am I going to be able to do my next 5K in less than two weeks? And the duathlon is a month away...my part in it is two 5K's! And then there is a 6K a week after that! And a 10K in July - what the hell was I thinking?!?

And here's another thing: What is up with the super-hunger that I get after a long run? I've noticed that after I run 3 miles (race or practice), I am HUNGRY for a couple of days afterward. It's just a constant hunger - I eat what I consider a normal, healthy (protein/fat/carbs) meal, and am ready to gnaw my arm off a couple of hours later! This is not good for weight-loss, people!!!

Speaking of weight-loss, while I am still on a scale vacation, I don't think I've lost any weight. I've had a few occasions to eat with other people, and "white carbs" have been consumed. It's weird, because while the calorie-count has not been horrible, the way I feel after eating such food has been bad, both physically and mentally. I'm trying to have a balance between the "diet Shelley" who is very strict about what she eats, and the "living-while-dieting-Shelley" who is trying to be a little more open to foods that she previously avoided. And what's sad is that I'm really not happy with myself when I eat the less-than-healthy foods.

I don't know what to do about this. I'm not happy with where my weight is; I want to lose about fifteen more pounds. But here's the thing: I haven't hit a weight-loss goal since I was in high school - about 30 years ago. And that didn't exactly end well - I hit that number and kept on going, right into anorexia. What if, this time, I can't do it? What if this is as good as I'm going to get with my weight? I will admit it's a hell of a lot better than the 256 pounds that I started at, but it's not where I want to be.

Doubts - I have a few.

Sorry for the downer of a post. Here's a picture of me and Linda, taken before the start of Suck Run 2010. Please to note my cute new Nathan water bottle - you slip in onto your hand and it stays there for the entire run. Or walk, as I found out.
One of us was ready for the heat, at least!

25 comments:

  1. ok, Woman. your suckiest of runs hath beat the pants off the fact IVE NOT RUN SINCE MY RACE :)
    all so relative huh?

    and downer? never. blogs are meant to be our outlet and the place we can "mind dump" and see how we feel after and see how the blogworld interprets what we are saying and SO OFTEN through that interpretation I find the answers I seek.

    I love how you DR PHIL YOURSELF :) and ask WHAT IF THIS IS AS GOOD AS IT GETS WITH YOUR WEIGHT?

    My answer in my never to be humble and notyou opinion?

    it's pretty freakin awesome.
    you are powerful strong ballsy NOT AFRAID TO SEIZE LIFE beautiful wise and a role model for tenacity.

    that ROCKS.

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  2. As the weather gets warmer we all have to aclimate to working out in it especially once the humidity goes up. Next time will be better you'll have to pace your self with the weather and theres nothing wrong with walk breaks. Every workout day is different no two are exactly alike don't be so hard on yourself.
    Only you can decide for yourself wether losing more weight is good for your health. As for hunger are you eating enough calories?
    We all have sucky workouts once in a while it will get better!

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  3. You are definitely being too hard on yourself. A sucky run now and then is bound to happen...don't beat yourself up about it. But DO blog about it. It's the best way to get a grip on your perspective. You are an inspiration. Really.

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  4. Like you, I walk that thin line of doing what's "right" and going too far (either eating/exercising too much or too little).

    It's a delicate balance that's for sure...I wouldn't say that I've gotten the hang of it yet, but I'm learning...maybe I'll be learning for the rest of my life?

    I hope your next run goes better. Maybe the next one will be your best one yet...!

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  5. First of all, everyone has bad runs. It just happens. I found that the heat just kills me. Just drains me and I had to make sure to run early, early in the morning. And let it go, it was just one run. You weren't getting paid, right? :-)

    As to the hunger, I didn't have any experience with that being a problem, so I don't know what's causing it.

    White carbs are evil, I tell you. They absolutely weigh me down, pun and all. I'm thinking they, not the bad run, are the reason you are feeling a bit down and doubtful. I know it sounds all quackish, but white carbs do bring me way down.

    So now that's all over, just keep doing the things you know are good and right for YOU. Keep your head in the right spot and your behind (and the scale) will follow.

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  6. Bad Runs Happen. I think I'm gonna make a bumper sticker. I seriously got off the treadmill this morning (we are currently in the 40 day flood here) and said to my hubby, "I HATE runs that suck like that!" Let it go. It's just one run. I'd love to say that's the last time it will happen, but no. It will happen again. May I just say that the only time you should even consider white carbs are immediately before or after a run! That's when you body can really metabolize them well and you probably won't feel so gross. As for your scale, all I could think is "Free your mind and your a$$ will follow!" Never apologize for your own blog - it's yours to do with as you please. Including whining which we all need from time to time!

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  7. We all have sucky runs. I had one Saturday. And as for hungry, got that too. Your just normal. No since beating yourself up. You will do better next time.

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  8. Girlfriend, even Olympic runners have bad run days. It's true. Don't fret it and let it make you doubt yourself. You've done amazingly well. It wasn't too long ago that you hadn't run a mile and now you're running entire 5ks. You had one bad run. Yesterday was tough. We haven't run in the heat in a while! It's coming to that time of year when we will either have to run early in the morning, late in the evening or on a treadmill. That's just Texas for ya. So we adjust because it's a freakin' awesome place to be. :P

    The weight loss will come. You're eating right, exercising with Brad and Linda, being active, running....it'll come. Even if you didn't lose another pound you look great and you're wearing size 8s. Hello! Size 8s! That's impressive. You look thin and healthy in your pictures.

    One thing that I've heard about (but haven't had the opportunity to really experience) is that some women, even after they've lost the weight, still see themselves as overweight. When they look in the mirror they see an overweight person but th reality is different. I've read about it in blogs and magazines. When i see that picture of you and Linda I see someone who looks fantastic. Don't let the number on the scale tell you a different story.

    Just keep doing what you're doing. I'd bet that more weight comes off. It may be slower as you reach equilibrium in your weight but you'll get to that magical place. :)

    10K in June? Oh, and I love the water bottle. Very cool.

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  9. Don't be sorry, thank you for being REAL. My own journey is helped knowing that you have self-doubt days as well. We believe in you!

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  10. We all have self-doubts so don't worry about it! I don't run but I would imagine that major weather changes and a clock change would definitely have something to do with your run and how you've been feeling. They affect lots of things!

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  11. You are going to have bad run days. They happen to everyone, leaving you questioning why you even bother.

    I might ask a little bit about how much you are eating and what your macros are right now with this increase in activity. Really keep tabs on this, because you can actually go in the wrong direction pretty easily and over train for what you are taking in (and also going overboard on eating too much).

    With all of these events you are doing, ask yourself this question:
    "Am I trying to lose weight, or am I training to get to peak fitness for events x,y,and z?" The path to either of those is not necessarily the same path.

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  12. I have been running very consistently for a year now and I still don't get it. Some days I can go out and run for 1.5 hours and I feel fantastic and some days I go for 5 minutes and I feel like S&*T...every step hurts, each breath is a struggle, and I hate the whole thing. I think it just depends on the day, the time, where you are in your cycle, and a million other things..but don't get discouraged! Sometimes I can go for a couple weeks where every run seems crappy, but then you will turn a corner and it is fun again!

    The hunger is a frustration of mine too because although I enjoy running, I really think it is part of why I haven't lost weight (I know that seems like a weird thing to say) but because I am so ravenously hungry I probably eat more calories than I am burning!

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  13. Everyone has bad workout days...you still got out there and tried....and I'm betting your next run will be just fine!

    As far as the white carbs....no matter if you're trying to incorporate them getting ready for maintenance and out of strict diet mode, or not....they will always make you feel bad...physically and mentally. It's suge a HUGE amazing, slap me in the face difference in how I feel both physically and mentally when I eat them. It's just so not worth it...no matter what everyone else is eating. Just stay away from them. If you don't have the option of brown rice or whole wheat or multi-grain pasta in certain situations, then just skip the carbs that meal. It's not worth how bad it will bring you down shortly after eating them.

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  14. Shelley, I don't think it was a bad run. That Julia who is a marathon expert (over on 2fit chicks) told someone (miz, I think) that you can actually make better time sometimes by walking a little every mile. Sometimes I am 'running' and it is so slow and such tiny steps that I laugh at myself and stop and walk with fast long strides for a while.

    I don't know about the super hunger after the runs because you do pretty heavy cardio during the week, right? In general, if you are that hungry, I would say your body needs to be fed, and to take advantage of the hunger and fuel your body.

    Also, I sure relate to how you feel about wanting to lose more weight. But I try to work at being happy with where my weight is now, while at the same time still working on my goal of losing 25 more pounds. Yes, I second Kelly's comment--SIZE 8!!! Come on!

    Loved Lori's advice as well.

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  15. I agree with MizFit - that's the best part about a blog because you can say what you want and get virtual hugs back!!

    It happens to me all the time - I'll do the same DVD for a couple weeks, then try it again and I struggle to keep up. I'd just shrug it off and try again.

    Can I tell you I am jealous of your weather - although I can't complain - I only have one tiny pile of snow at the end of the drive and I can see grass!

    Hang in there!

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  16. You know I don't run, so I bow to all the others here who do, who have given you great advice. Including that it's the first warm run...your body needs to adjust. Maybe back-to-back within a week 5K's is also too much, right now. I dunno. Shit happens. LOL (gallows humor?) You are doing awesome. Re your weight goals....some times are goals simply aren't attainable...for now. Do what feels right, and see in another month if your body is ready to start the downward plunge again. But if not, you DO look awesome, and you are healthy, and that's the ultimate goal, remember. :)

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  17. I had a "bad run" during the week 5 training of C25K, but for me I knew that I wasn't properly nourished or hydrated.

    And for whatever may come towards reaching your goals, that is a day that'll come...see how it feels then. This is not stress you need to have now. You've done this journey a day at a time, keep it that way.

    Oh...it is a good thing to actually be unhappy about eating previously taboo foods...this only means that your healthy instincts are well ingrained...it is a lifestyle now and not such a constant reminder. Sure you may miss some of the taboo foods, but you obviously know that you are doing so much better for yourself keeping on the health path.

    I'm envious girl.

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  18. Lori is so smart. Just had to say that first.

    I'm sorry you had a bad run, Shelley! But it's one run! On your first hot day! Don't let it get you down for all of your running. You're doing so well with it...you'll kick butt on all your upcoming running events.

    As for the weight...you look great now. You run. You bike. You do crazy, punishing workouts. And you rock all of it! Don't stress about those last pounds right now. You're on a scale vacation, remember? Keep doing what you're doing. If those pounds are meant to go away, they will.

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  20. Hi Shelley,

    I agree with Carla... blogs are an outlet for us..good times and bad. I believe you have so many faithful followers because you are real..you don't have a problem with letting any of us know rignt where your at..and that is inspiring.
    Your whole weightloss journey is inspiring Shelley. There are those of us who still struggle and are fighting the fight to reach the place you are at.

    I know I read your blog for that inspiration.

    I have faith in you that you will find a balance between what you used to eat and what you know your supposed to eat. The good thing is that you are already realizing you don't like how the 'bad' foods you used to eat...make you feel. Remember that feeling next time you are faced with some of those things.

    Keep your eye on the prize Shelley..You will finish your goal.

    Debi (huggs)
    Second Journey

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  21. Bad runs are the WORST. They make you question everything, and open up all kinds of doubts about ourselves. Don't let it win.

    I'll bet tomorrow's run is much better!

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  22. O my gosh, I need to get up and go run somewhere so I can have a bad run, too!

    IS there a bad run? It's not like bad sex, or a bad democracy-- "even when it's bad, it's still pretty good"?

    I didn't know you were anorexic in your teens. I was too. I am not as goal-directed as I should be weight-wise but a large part of it is, been there done that. I never want to fight with myself like that again.

    I have to say you look wonderful.

    Hope the next run's better.

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  23. We all have sucky runs. When it started getting warmer, I had a couple of sucky ones myself.

    Love the new water bottle. You can and will do the next few races. Believe in yourself and look how far you've come in such a short amount of time.

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  24. Chin up girl! I think it was the warmth that got to ya. 80 degrees!! Whoa.

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  25. Don't worry too much Shelley, we've all got bad running days.
    Remember mine last week when I could barely put one foot in front of another? A few days later I ran a 10K and beat my own time with 8 minutes!

    Just go out there again and you'll see you will do better!

    I always train before dinner. If I train after it I get hungry later too. Maybe that's something to try?

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