This is a bit rambling but hopefully mostly coherent. Apologies if it's hard to follow...my thoughts are all over the place right now.
You guys are the best. Seriously, when I wrote my last post, I was in a pretty bad place. I almost hated to hit "publish" because I don't want to be one of those people who loses weight and still isn't happy with herself. Most of the time, I am thrilled with where I'm at - I mean, all I have to do is look at my progress photos and see where I was two years ago. On April 2, 2008 I was about six weeks away from making a major life change. I weighed 256 pounds. I was not active at all, and hated getting dressed each morning. And now, from the outside, I look like a normal-bodied person. I don't think that the first thought when most people see me is "wow, she's huge!" anymore. Unfortunately, as Kelly put it, I sometimes still have my fat glasses on when I look in the mirror.
Age is not a number to me. I've never thought "oh, I'm thirty - I should act this way" or "wow, I'm forty...break out the Geritol" - at whatever age, I'm just me. But maybe I'm slow because I am in my mid-forties. Maybe I should give myself a tiny break. Maybe I should remember that two years ago I couldn't have done a push up, burpee, mountain climber or ran more than ten seconds to save my life. Maybe, just maybe, I should stop comparing myself to others and limit the comparisons to the old me.
And another thing. I've mentioned previously that I was anorexic in high school. The number on the scale was the be-all and end-all to me. I still have issues with numbers "defining" me. It's been 30 years since I went through the hell of anorexia, and obviously I'm still not over it when the scale or a body-fat monitor gives me a number I don't like. Can I let go of the scale once and for all? Can I go through life not knowing my numbers? Does it really matter, in the grand scheme of things, whether I weigh 152 lbs. or 142 lbs.? No. I'm healthy. I've lost 100 pounds and I'm maintaining that loss. In all of my years (and years and years) of dieting, I've never been able to keep the weight off once I lost it. But I am succeeding with that, and I credit the change in my eating habits, along with the exercise.
Some people have to use willpower to not eat certain foods. I have to use my willpower to not step on the scale. To not look at the number on that dumb body-fat monitor when I get measured again at the end of the challenge that we are doing at my gym. To be content with where I am at NOW. If this is the end of the road with regard to losing any more weight, than so be it. If, by virtue of running, I actually lose some more pounds, great. I'll know that's happened if my pants get to be too big. (BTW, Debbie had a great workout idea to smash the monitor with a kettlebell...I think just about everybody who got measured this week would gladly participate in that exercise!)
I have been really worn out by the time Wednesday morning rolls around. Considering that I workout on Monday morning, have been running on Tuesday mornings and then workout on Tuesday afternoon, it's no wonder I'm beat and sore before I even get started on Wednesday. My workouts are loaded in the first part of the week because I work Th/F/S. But enough is enough. I had decided about a month ago to finish out my Tuesday workouts (we go in 12 week cycles) and then not re-up for that one. This way, I can get a good run in on Tuesday morning and be fairly fresh for my Wednesday workout. I think that this will do me a world of good, both physically and mentally. I believe I have one more Tuesday workout left - whew!
I'm still not walking on sunshine, but I am feeling a bit better. And relieved, both at the thought of leaving the numbers game behind, along with the Tuesday workout. I'm off work until next week and have a run planned for this morning - no time frame, just running for fun. Thank you for all of the comments and emails - you can't imagine how much your words have meant to me. Love you all!