Monday, June 27, 2011

It's a Choice?

I could be am depressed about my size, and how it hasn't really gotten any smaller in the last month.

I could be am depressed about how frickin' frackin' slow I lose weight - but that is nothing new.

I could be am depressed about how big and lumpy my thighs are.

I could be am depressed about my how awful my hair looks - it's dry and flat and just plain gross.

I could be am depressed about my skin - you would think that all the chlorine would dry it out, but instead it seems like I'm producing even more oil (and zits, yay) - have I mentioned that I'm not exactly a teenager anymore?  What is up with having the same skin problems that I did 35 years ago???

I could be am depressed because being able to write "35 years ago" and clearly remember it makes me sound old.

I started writing this post thinking that I had a choice in whether or not I "could be" depressed over the things I listed, but as I wrote, I realized, hell yes, I AM depressed - there is no "could be" about it.  But while I am in a funk, it's not the kind that you sink so low you can't even get off the couch - I've been there before, and  luckily that is not where I am.  That said, I have to say that this just sucks.  And I can't help but feel that the only time I had the body that I liked was when I was running.  Somehow, that just worked for me - I burned enough calories to manage what I ate AND I was so much smaller.  It's frustrating to put in hour after hour swimming, and while I enjoy it, I'm not seeing changes in my body as fast as I want to.

And yet, what choice to I have but to keep moving forward?  To keep doing the next right thing.  To have the faith that even though things are moving maddeningly slow, I know that deep down, I'm doing almost everything I can to make change happen.  Last week I started riding my bike again, and I'm making a better effort at eating more vegetables on a daily basis.  Do I really have to starve myself to get back to where I was last summer?  I don't want to do that.  And yet I don't want to be in this body, either. 

I had a hard time writing this post.  There's been a lot more "deletes" and start overs than normal.  I feel like I complain a lot, and I know that in the grand scheme of things, this is small potatoes.  (which I don't even eat!)  I know it gets old to read the same old whiny posts without wanting to tell that person to shut up and just do something different.  I promise that the next couple of posts will be lighter...now, if only I would be as well.

38 comments:

  1. Ahhh this comment could be postlength :)
    suffice it to say that I firmly believe this is why we should blog. To have a place for the small..scoops of protein (see the taters work much better huh? :)) which are NOT AT ALL small in our lives.
    A place to vent and share where people GET IT and can offer support and advice.
    not small at all...

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  2. I totally get it. I'm in sort of the same place without the real physical reason you have to be there. It isn't whiny, it's understandable to be upset/pissed because the thing that you'd found to make this all work for you is no longer possible.

    What I try to remember, to help keep things in perspective is that there was a time when I happy, thrilled, ecstatic to be at the current weight/size. When I was on the way DOWN the scale. That helps me to remember it's all in MY head. I don't judge other's worthiness, value,etc based on physical appearance, why would I do that to myself?

    And it just sucks - if you are anything like me, and I think you are. That these few "over" pounds take up just as much room in our heads as the ton of weight used to. Amazing. So to help me get right with it, I always ask myself. When I was at 257, did I ever really think I would get here where I am now? And how would I feel about it? And I try to feel THAT.

    I totally get it, Shelley.

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  3. ETA: I think you look just fine - no one but you notices any differences.

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  4. I totally get it. My weight loss is so slow it is practically backwards, and I do think I have to a starve myself to lose weight. I think it's a fact of growing older, just another thing to add to the list of things that suck about getting older. I'm sorry you're depressed, just wanted you to know you're not alone.

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  5. Thank You for writing this post. I admire your honesty. I agree with everything that every person that has commented has said. You look great. Just look at your bike pics. That tangible proof that you look great!

    Your right! What other choice do we have but to do the next right thing. I am struggling right now as well. I will not be ruled my stinkin thinkin. I know this too shall pass. For both of us.

    Hugs and lots of love!

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  6. You aren't being whiney, Shelley, you are being real...and that's what blogging is all about. You're only whining if you're complaining about something that isn't a big deal to people who don't care. Neither of those things are even remotely true. We, of all people, totally get it. Any single one of your readers could have written your post. And not a single one of them would be whining :-)

    Could you introduce some more weight training into your routine. Sometimes lifting is the extra kick your body needs.

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  7. I feel ya, Shelley. I could totally echo everything you have said here. Well, except the hair part - mine is puffy and frizzy which is way more gross than dry and flat, trust me ;)
    I don't know why things have gotten so hard as I've gotten older, but they have. The 40's made weight loss come to a turtle's pace. It IS depressing. But, all we can do is keep trying to do our best.

    You look GREAT; you're healthy AND fit! Don't worry about the other sh*t !:) <---- Monday morning rhyming causes by lack of coffee delirium ;)

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  8. So many things to say...where to start?

    First, we have all been in a funk and it is allowed! Dont be so hard on yourself. Thats the whole point of blogging. Its helpful, not just in the good time but in the crappy ones too. I am glad you are being honest.

    Second, there is no other way to put this other than that you and your blogged experiences have changed my life. Because of YOU I feel that I am capable of running a half marathon. Your comments and posts have taken me from the "I could never run a half marathon" to "hmm...maybe I can?" to "I am gonna do it!". For that I cannot thank you enough. You blogged about how when you crossed the finish line you thought of someone (cant think of who-sorry) and how it as because of her that you completed your goal. Well, although I dont "know" you, you are that person for me! When I cross that line I will think about how it is becuase of you that I did it! I know it probably sounds a little dramatic but hey...its true.

    third...I may have missed a post along the way. It sounds like you are really missing running and that thats where your heart is. Is your ankle still not allowing you to run? Like I said, I must have missed a post somewhere to not know this! But maybe you could see a specialist if that is the case to get you back to where you want to be.

    Fourth, I lose weight slowly too and it is VERY frustrating. I have been doing all this running and gained 15 lbs from being so hungry. So I am working on managing that too. My point is, (geez...what IS my point??).....oh yeah, my point is that even if its slow going remember that any exercise you are doing is great for your body.

    Hang in there. Things will get bettter soon.

    Jennifer
    http://wecanlosethepounds.blogspot.com/

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  9. UUGHHH! It's so damn hard and frustrating to deal with an injury and not be able to do the things you love to do (RUN!). Maybe you could try to find something besides swimming to get you back in the groove again. Don't be so hard on yourself. You will get through this. You will heal and you will be able to run again. Hang in there.

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  10. are you doing water running or just swimming? Maybe mix it up? Are you allowed on the elliptical? :(
    I'm with ya. So with you that I had my blood work and a thyroid panel done to see if that's an issue. Just know you are not alone.

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  11. It is annoying and it is depressing. And the worst part (I think) is that you feel lame for being crabby and depressed about it because you think you shouldn't feel that way. Viscous cycle.

    Roll around in the muck a bit, then come out, hose off, and move on.

    {{hugs}}

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  12. That stinks!!! I think we have all felt that way at some point. Hang in there...keep swimming...and hopefully before long you been running the streets again! And I am sure you look great :)

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  13. Whadda ya know? Sunshine Shelley is - ha! - just like the rest of us. Um yeah, I think I've complained a whole lot more than you have bloggy wise.

    Girl, you know I know how you feel (how many minutes DID we spend talking about this?) and if I could magically take it all away from you I would!

    This time though I'm going to say do what Lori said. She told me that same thing a couple weeks ago and you know what? Just sitting in it, acknowledging it, and allowing it to be honestly did help.

    Hugs - you've got my number.

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  14. Yep, been there, done that. Everyone goes through peaks and valleys - mine was last week, even if I didn't talk about it as much on my blog.

    I am a slow weight loss person too, but I just have to keep on keeping on - I know my daily choices will eventually get me where I want to be, even if it isn't as fast as I would like it to be.

    Hugs!!

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  15. I supplement the pool with cycling and weight training and that helps me firm up... also aqua exercise classes that are lead specifically work on core muscle groups and talk to you about alignment and avoiding injury in the pool... If you get bored and one of this is offered...take it. They have one here that is set against the current in a a lazy river at one of the rec pools and it is no piece of cake let me tell you.

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  16. You have truly transformed your life! I have a lot of admiration and respect for you and what you have done. Big changes. And I think it is normal to cycle through down times occasionally. I do hope you feel better very soon. The lifestyle you are living will help pull you out of that funk, but in the meantime, be kind to yourself and know you are an awesome person just the way you are.

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  17. It just makes you human Shelley! You are doing all the right things. You'll tighten up in no time :)

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  18. Sorry you are feeling bummed about so many legitimate issues. It's good that you can express your feelings by writing - not that writing makes those things go away but it does help with coping.

    Thanks for sharing - honestly. I feel or have felt the same about my age, skin, weight loss rate, my thighs (my boobs, my arms, my face...) Misery really doesn't love company. I just appreciate your willingness to be so blunt about feelings.

    That said, here is a Texas-sized virtual hug for a wonderful person (no advice, promise).

    Jan

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  19. Precious You - Maybe that's just The Crazy Brain just a-whispering in your ear. Happens sometimes when we are tired and stuff.
    Really, you have been going through alot of emotional (and physical) things lately!

    I hope it passes soon. And you can get back to a more rational and happily realistic view of yourself.

    I am teaching myself to learn the difference, and walk past the belligerence of my ego....kinda like we Phatties all had to learn to walk past cake and ice cream! Like a False Craving!

    Sorry if my comments sounds silly and Pollyanna-Like...I hope the message comes across.. can't find the right words!

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  20. Awww! So sorry you have the blues Shelley. So understandable, I guess we all have our ups and downs. Hope it passes soon and that you see yourself more as we see you (gorgeous, funny, an inspiration, etc, etc)again VERY soon! Take care!!! Paco, give Mom a hug, she needs it today!!!

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  21. First of all you don't complain a lot! This is your blog and you can write what you want. I appreciate you being honest instead of acting like nothing is the matter.

    It's kind of funny that you write this post now because it is exactly how I'm feeling. The difference however is that you are doing everything in your power and I don't (yet). But I am depressed about my body too. I didn't let R. take much pictures of me this vacation because I don't like myself right now.

    So I'm going to take Lori's advice too and hopefully you do too. You can get out of this and you will. Just keep looking forward, you can do this and so can I. Together we can! If you want to chat about it, you know my email.

    Love you Shelley and big hug for you. You are still one of my biggest inspirations!

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  22. Shelley - I know its so dissapointing that you can't do what you really want to do which is run.

    BUT, check out www.bodyforlife.com

    I did it a number of years ago and one thing that stuck in my head from it is the only way to change the shape of your body is through resistance exercise. If you are shaped like an apple and do only cardio - you'll be a smaller apple. You don't need special equipment, most of the exercises can be done at home.

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  23. We all feel this feelings sometimes. I hear you and I know how it is to be frustrated and depressed, even if it is a little. You are on the right track and doing what you can. That's fine. And never apologize for being honest. It's what we love about you. :)

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  24. There's nothing better than just putting it out there... :-)

    And I am with you on the zits and the hair, although mine has turned into something like sheep wool or something...I call it premenopause hair!

    And then there's "feeling" fat because my back hurts..which, for some reason, makes it hard to hold my stomach in.

    Yeah...I feel (a little) better now. I hope you do too! :-)

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  25. I too am not in the best place with my body right & I keep wishing there was some magical quick fix, but there isn't. What's working for me? Clean eating, sweat sessions and yoga (lots of yoga because I leave there feeling SO strong and awesome.).

    Are you strength training at all? I know you have to be carefully of your ankle, but I would search self.com and fitnessmagazine.com for low stress leg workouts. You could still do all the same ab/arm workouts like pushups and jackknives and that will rev your metabolism. :) Also, drink lots of water!! :) Hugs Shelley - your body is adapting to your new workout routine.

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  26. Oh Shelley,you are just being real and that's what is so wonderful about you and why so many of us 'connect' with you. I KNOW how frustrating it is to have circumstances put up road blocks to our goals and even to the things we love in our daily life. No comfort I know but if I've been able to just keep going then I have NO DOUBT that you can do the same. It will change. Hugs.

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  27. Shelley! All of a sudden I remembered it was Monday and I didn't check your blog first thing this morning. Ack! Old age..its setting in even before I am officially retired!

    Anyway, I think you know I totally relate. TOTALLY. Seems like a lot of us are going through this right now. Will this make you feel better?--you don't have to be depressed about the 'old lady wrinkly skin' yet.

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  28. I can't add any words of wisdom. I know how you are feeling though.

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  29. Shelley, No more complaining, you can do it. You have made so much progress and have inspired me.

    Look get a new outfit, dye your hair red and lets emphasize the possitive.

    Yes, you CAN DO IT!

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  30. Hang in there. I am thinking about you. Always.

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  31. "I know it gets old to read the same old whiny posts without wanting to tell that person to shut up and just do something different." ....Way too close for comfort. IT IS SO NOT YOU....as for me??? uhm??? yes??

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  32. I know exactly how you feel. After four months of working at running again, I finally feel like a runner again.. but it takes forever to get back.

    Writing down how you feel lets you release it instead of letting it accumulate on your body as weight. If you haven't tried Denise Linn's Soul Coaching book, I would look into it. Will help you feel better.

    I am so glad that you are still swimming and as you said a few posts ago, your arms are starting to take shape.... we are just used to focusing on what we want to change and not what is actually changing.

    Big hugs from Europe.

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  33. ohh Shelley, I understand you! I feel pretty much the same...
    wish you the best!
    PS: keep posting.. don´t care if are "whinning" post, or whatever you called them... It is always a pleasure to read you!
    Marina

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  34. Shelly,

    Sorry to read that you are depressed because you are not losing the weight and not looking the way you want to look.

    Studies have shown that depression is a common side affect of not losing the desire weight. As you know losing weight it a long process that takes a lot of patience, dedication, and a complete lifestyle change. When an individual is not losing the desired amount of weight, depression can follow. You might consider reworking you diet as you mentioned, incorporating resistance training, and doing those things that make you feel good about weight loss. You indicated that you felt better about your weight loss when you were running.

    Finally, keep the faith and continue your weight loss journey. Instead of make weight loss goals, set goals like I am going to run X number of miles each day, I am going to eat X number of fruits and vegetables portions per day, and cut out all sugar from your diet. Make changes in you weight loss routine on a regular basis to keep your journey interesting.

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  35. I've been where you are for about two weeks now. My problem is - I can't get my head on straight. Lots of small steps forward and big steps back. All I know is to keep up the good fight.

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  36. Yes, it sucks to be an out of control porker! I know from experience. This was a well-written post. It was worth the deletes and start overs to read a well tuned post. But yeah, the whining has got to go. Go read that book about the guy who spent his entire life in an iron lung. That will help change your whine (wine!!! did someone say "wine?")

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  37. Oh, Shelley. I'm sorry. I totally understand though. And I'm glad that you "keep it real" on your blog because we're not always chipper and happy about our situation 24/7. And this is a good place to vent.

    That being said, you look great. I think it every time I see a picture of you. But there's nothing wrong with wanting improve. I think with swimming and biking (and *ahem* watching the carbs) you'll get where you want to be.

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  38. Hang in there, Shelley. I've been there, and I have gained all the weight back and I will be honest: it sucks.

    You inspire me so much every day, because even when you are knocked down you find a way to get back up. Yes you can't run and you miss everything about it, but you ARE still exercising and finding new ways to push yourself. Even if your heart isn't it, you aren't giving up. I think that's amazing.

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