Monday, August 24, 2015

Weird Reassurances

You'd think, after all this time, I'd be able to see myself in a true light.  But I guess, what with so many years of a weight-loss/weight-gain history behind me, it's only natural that I occasionally still question whether or not I've gained my weight back.  After all, I used to do that so well...I was quite proficient at regaining weight in what felt like a matter of minutes.  Cut to this summer, when I discovered the wonders of lightweight, breezy tunic tops, which are pretty amazing at helping to keep me cool.  However, they aren't exactly figure flattering:
OK.  I was going to post a collage of me in all of my cute summer tunics (I just counted and I have five of them, I swear), but apparently this one is my go-to when I'm out and doing something photo-worthy.  What can I say, it was 106 degrees when this picture was taken and I was pretty comfortable, all things considered.

Anyway, you get the point.  Of course, my running tops are not super loose, but that's a whole other fat feeling for me...put together my spandex running capris cutting into my stomach, which is already my biggest blobby area, along with a technical fabric top that touches/shows my stomach, and it's not a good mental thing for me.  Usually I try to size up on the tops to minimize that issue, but mostly I try to focus on the run and not how I look.

Back to the point of this post (I have one, I promise).  After a summer of enjoying the breezy tunics, I pulled out an older top from my closet on Saturday.  Why?  Because we were going to enjoy a steak and corn-on-the-cob dinner, and I didn't want to get butter on any of my nice tunic tops.  What can I say, I planned for an indulgent, messy, dinner. 
Our personal chef preparing the steaks for the grill.  My "third child" Kevin came over to cook a birthday dinner to celebrate our youngest, who turned 26 years old on Saturday.

I put on the old top and glanced in the mirror, and was shocked, to be honest.  I wasn't fat!  It still fit.  I know, it sounds slightly crazy, but trust me...there really is something akin to PSTD when it comes to having been overweight for decades, and then somehow managing to not only lose weight, but continue to keep most of it off:
More than five years later, I'm still hanging in there as a normal-sized person.

What a weird, random thing to reassure me that I'm doing OK with this maintenance thing...and is it strange that apparently, I still need an occasional visual confirmation that I haven't regained all my weight?  I wonder if these feelings will ever go away?

26 comments:

  1. After 15 years of never regaining all my 40 pounds I still need reassurance sometimes that I am NOT 197 again. I rode the yo-yo weight roller coaster from the time I was
    16 until I was 33 when I lost that weight for the final time! I did regain 13 pounds after my mom died in 2004 but I have lost them and more since then. Things I do to keep this weight in check are take measurements with a cloth tape, I weigh daily ( I know you don't like to do this but it works for me). Of course it is the best feeling to still fit into your clothes from last year what ever the season:) Also I don't eat the way I used to when I weighed 197. I am so different now to how I was then I don't remember how that was a lot of junk food I think.

    After 5 years I would think you won't regain all your weight provided that you don't go back to eating as much as before and you keep doing some kind of exercise. Its not just you all of us that were previously over weight need reassurance sometimes.

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    1. OK, it's good to hear this, that you, after 15 years, have the same feelings on occasion. I guess it's normal? Or as normal as I'm going to be, haha.

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  2. Happy belated birthday to your youngest! How cool that you had a personal chef to prepare the steaks.

    I think everyone that reads your blog know you are doing great at this moderation thing. But we always are our worst criticizers when it comes to how we look. Happy to read you are now convinced too (like we) that you are great at this moderation.

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  3. What a wonderful feeling! I hope someday I'll know what maintenance feels like. SIGH. :)

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  4. No. I don't think those thoughts ever go away. I read somewhere that it takes twice as long for your mind to adjust to the weight loss as how long you were overweight. So for me - it will be 40 years, probably, before I might feel normal. ;) It's funny. I have lost 12 pounds this year and I swear I feel heavier. The mind is a strange thing.

    I do like that top in the last pic. It's very cute!

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    1. Well I'll be too old to care by the time my mind adjusts, if this formula holds true - LOL! But this does explain the wonky feelings.

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  5. Oh brother, according to Lori's calculations, I will be 90 years old before my mind adjusts to the weight loss :)

    Anyway, I sure do still have those feelings. I think that our shifting body shape (all going to the middle) and the aches and pains of aging (that mimic the aches and pains of obesity) all play a part in tricking our minds. You look really cute in both of those tops!

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    1. Heh, I was just thinking the same thing - I'll be too old to care! And have a point, what with adding an aging body (when did my skin start to look like THIS??), plus the aches and pains that come along with it, yeah - it all feels too familiar.

      Thanks for the top compliments. :)

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  6. I think it's hard to see it because since you were overweight for so long, that's how your brain sees yourself even if other people see you differently - I am sure it won't last forever though now that you've been in maintenance mode for this long. It's 9:30 in the morning but all I want is steak right now!

    Hugs!

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    1. I can send Kevin your way - he grills a mean steak! :)

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  7. LOLOL LOL. Oh great Lori, I will be long gone from this earthly plain before I mentally adjust to my current weight. Which is only a bit more than halfway to what I'd like to lose.

    Shelley, as long as you get the visual confirmation you need from time to time (and maybe you need to wear a figure flattering outfit once a week or so) and you aren't obsessing, could there be a positive to that self-questioning? Just an awareness to keep yourself on track, plus an opportunity to really take a look at yourself and say "Way to go, girl". That's what I think about you BTW, way to GO, girl!!!

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    1. I like the way you think, Jeannie. :) Ima give myself an "atta girl" for this!

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  8. I'm with you. I try on tops and pants all the time, just to confirm that either I've lost, gained or maintained! :) It never ends :) Great job BTW!!

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    1. I had so many years of trying on clothes I hadn't worn in a while, only to find them too small...having old stuff still fit is strange (but I like it!).

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  9. I dream of a day when my closet has ONE size lol! And by one size I'm not talking a number, I'm talking about a closet with only clothes that fit and not totes full of bigger and smaller things. I definitely think the mind plays games with us and it's one of the reasons I stopped weighing myself - too much happiness when I'd lose a pound and too much depression when I didn't lose - even if I maintained. I could probably tell you right now how much I weigh, based on my clothes. So I think it's FANTASTIC that you got that wonderful feedback from your shirt!!

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    1. I haven't weighed myself in several years for the same reasons you listed...and I'm still so glad I've gone that direction. Clothes (haha, obviously) help keep me on track, but mostly, I'm just content with where I'm at now.

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  10. I love being able to shop in my own closet for things I haven't worn in years :)

    FYI on the running capris, Old Navy makes HIGH WAIST compression capris. They are the most amazing things ever, and they hold in all the midsection blubber. You should check them out (if you think that would help)!

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    1. Thanks for the tip on the Old Navy capris - I'll have to check them out! :)

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  11. Oh shelley you look beautiful! I love those tunics. I was clothes shopping today (and came home with nothing but dog toys), but I am convinced that we will always find fault in some part of ourselves no matter what size we are. I've just decided to quite picking at myself and love every part! It's really the only way we will be happy. And yes, I agree that some running clothes can be a bit uncomfortable. I always go for the loose tops too!

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  12. Shelley - you look great! Maintenance is hard, and you have maintained. It's something to be very proud of. Keep doing what you are doing.

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  13. Shelley, you are truly an inspiration!!!! <3!

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  14. Thank heavens for those innocent little reminders that let us know we are on track and right where we should be! Congrats on the confirmation of your maintain!!!!

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  15. Even when I was my thinnest (at my wedding 24 yrs ago!) I still had the chubby girl mentality which has brought me to my heaviest as of Jan.2015. I've lost about 15 lbs since then but still get lost in the self-sabotage I've tangled with my entire life. But you, my friend, look awesome!

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