Monday, March 25, 2013

Dear ... (an Almost Cranky-Shelley Post)

(A little lighthearted humor for a Monday - I hope this entertains you as much to read as it did for me to write!)

Dear Squirrel,

You were cute when you walked past my window, a piece of fluff in your mouth.  I watched you climb a tree and make your way, branch by branch, over to another tree where you must be building a nest.  You were adorable when, a little later, you walked past my window, a dried leaf in your mouth (must have been THE perfect leaf, as you'd bypassed about a thousand on your way to get that one), climbed a tree, and made your way to the nest.  But when you discovered the cloth barrier that we put down to prevent weeds and started pulling that up for your nest?  You stopped being cute, and after a couple of pictures, needed to be run off:
 
Luckily, I have a very willing squirrel-chaser at my beck and call:
 
Always on the lookout, scanning the yard for invaders who need chasing.

*******************

Dear iPhone,

I love you - a lot.  But I'm old-school, and when you don't come with a physical instruction manual, AND you are so easy to work right away, some people *ahem* might not bother with reading the online manual, and might miss some key things.  Like the fact that apps are supposed to be turned off after using them.  Otherwise, you get hot.  Very, very hot.  Luckily I caught it in time (apparently I downloaded one app that sent everything over the edge in terms), but after going to the Sprint store with my hot phone, and getting a nice salesman to explain what was happening, I now turn off my apps.  Oh, and apparently I could write the same letter to iPad.  Apps - who knew???

*******************

Dear Bon Ami,

I'm old school AND brand-loyal.  When I used up my last can about a year ago, and couldn't replace you, I got sad.  Apparently nobody in my town carries you anymore.  So I made do with lesser cleansers, but every time I went to scrub my sinks, I missed you.  I finally remembered the magic that is Amazon and thought to check - and behold!  There you were.  While I felt silly ordering cleanser online, my local stores left me no choice.  I'm just glad to have you back:
Mon ami!

*******************

Dear Jeff:

It's not a big deal in the grand scheme of things...and after all, I'm sure that in our nearly 29 years of marriage, there must be something I do that annoys you.  But what is it that makes you not able to PUSH THE DAMN JAR OF CRAISINS BACK???

Exhibits A through D:
Every. Single. Morning.

*******************

Dear Punctuation Overlords:

I will stop putting two spaces after a period when you can pry my AP Stylebook out of my cold, dead hands.  This is how I learned to type.  This is how I will continue to type.  From now until eternity.
Side note:  When I pulled this book out to take these pictures, I got lost in it - it may sound strange to anyone who wasn't a journalism major, but honestly, this is one of my favorite books, ever.

-30-

37 comments:

  1. Uh oh, I didn't know about turning off the apps or the single space rule. I was taught the double space in school. I am soo old school!

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  2. Aw, cute squirrel, too bad they can be so destructive. Leaving apps on will kill your battery too. I am always turning them off. I am so over the iphone, I am just waiting to dump it for the new galaxy, which will probably have the same issue with the apps. I always double space after a period and that is what I have taught my kids...hmm.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I do love the iPhone, I just don't want to blow it up. And you are right, the battery is lasting longer now that I turn the apps off!

      Delete
  3. I work in print production, so I will try to forgive you for the double spaces, but it will be hard :-)

    The cranberries thing cracks me up! Those little things!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Chai Printer:

      Thank you for understanding. I bet you have to do a lot of corrections on articles from people of a certain age!

      Delete
  4. Such a fun post! I have squirrels that like to chew my house.

    I don't have an AP style manual, but I did have Mrs. Rand in high school Typing I & II. "Double space! Double space!" Old habits die hard. :)

    Oh and have you checked Walgreen's for BonAmi? That's the only place I was able to find it in Memphis.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I remember my typing teacher pushing the double space as well...ahhh, good times. :)

      Walgreens, eh? I will have to go scour (haha) their shelves!

      Delete
  5. I'm having a tough day at work, too busy and I thought that I needed a short break and decided to read your post of today. And it made me laugh and cheered me up.

    R. does the same thing with the wooden plank in my kitchen. Every morning he pushes the damn thing a bit to the left and every morning he doesn't push it back. So annoying indeed.

    Thanks for making my day a bit easier to cope with sweety.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LOL on R and the plank...MEN! ;)

      Glad you got a laugh on your rough day - hope it got better!

      Delete
  6. Haaaaaa, the craisins cracked me up because we've all been there. And hey, I'm doing 2 spaces after a period as well.

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  7. Hilarious, and I could relate to every single one of them!

    OK, I've only HEARD of the wonder that is Bon Ami and haven't tried it myself... and, um, I have to confess that I am the one in our household who never remembers to push the coffee containers back against the wall.

    Good thing Jeff and I both have patient wives!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Bon Ami is good stuff...now I feel like a pusher - "psst...hey lady, I got some gooooood cleanser right here"!

      Delete
  8. Dear Squirrel, Come to California. (single space) I know someone who has way too much fabric and will very willingly share it with you.

    Dear iPhone, My Kindle Fire doesn't get too hot and I have a lot of apps on there. I don't know if I turn them off or not. Get with the program iPhone.

    Dear Bon Ami, I discovered you late in life. Please don't ever leave Jackson. I promise to always be loyal to you.

    Dear Jeff, I'm not gonna touch this one. You're on your own!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Debby,

      Squirrel is on a train heading toward your house. Be ready! :)

      Delete
  9. I thought for sure that squirrel story was going to end up in your attic
    or chimney. (Read:house) I'm so glad it didn't. Yuck. Keep tree
    branches trimmed to they aren't near the house.

    iPhone---huh, manual? I thought that was what our boys were for,
    Shelley. Haha

    Craisins---hahaha, loved the documented evidence. So funny. And
    no boys to blame these things on anymore.

    Have a swell Monday. We have snow today in the East.
    Chrissy

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Can you believe, my kids don't have iPhones? They are android people. Where did I go wrong?!?

      Delete
    2. Oh my boys too, but 2 of them *had* iphones early
      on. Now I think iPhones are more popular with
      our generation, Shel.

      Delete
    3. Gah - just when I think I'm cool with my iPhone, now it's for old folks?!?

      Delete
  10. OMG...I had no idea about the apps!!! I had to close like 25 of them!!! My IT husband would not be amused.

    Also, my husband cannot push the blender back up against the wall when he's done using it. It drives me mad. It must be a Y chromosome thing.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Glad it wasn't just me who didn't know about closing the apps.

      I agree, it's got to be the man thing about not putting stuff back correctly.

      Delete
  11. You know what I loved most about the squirrel and Paco photos? No SNOW! And the sun is shining! FYI, I'm moving in with you and Jeff next winter. I'll put the craisins jar back for you every time. Call it rent :)

    As for the AP Stylebook...um...you know they changed that rule several years ago, right? You don't still type on a Selectric typewriter, do you? Get with the times, sistah! LOL J/K #loveyoumorethanMLA

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Snow??? What is that foreign substance? ;)

      I bet I could run a halfway house for snowbound bloggers quite successfully - nothing to shovel, lots of pets to sleep with, and the ability to exercise outdoors all winter long! Plus Craisins! #putthedamnjarback

      P.S. Rules can't change as long as I have the book that says it's two spaces.
      P.S.S. IBM Selectric typewriters were AWESOME!

      Delete
  12. Now I am afraid to get an iphone. I get a free one with my next renewal.


    I use Book of Style 3. Plus at my job we can't put 2 spaces after a period. After a colon we do, but not after a period. They are cheap and since we are paid per line, 2 spaces after a period adds up over time.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Get the iPhone - it's wonderful! Just turn off the apps every night when you go to charge it.

      Interesting about your work's stance on the two spaces...obviously I'd have been fired long ago, lol!

      Delete
  13. I'm on team "double space" too. And I LOL at Jeff not pushing the craisin jar back. Dennis pointed out to me over the weekend that I apparently, never shut the cutlery drawer all the way. So I took a knife.. KIDDING!!!!! It's the little things that can test us some times, isn't it? Love this post Shelley. Have a great Monday.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Interesting that YOU are the kitchen goblin!

      Delete
  14. AMEN!! I will never NOT double space after a period. <---See what I did there?! :)

    I've always been a Comet gal, myself, but I might have to try some Bon Ami since it comes so highly recommended!

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  15. The craisins cracked me up! That is so funny.

    I don't have a fancy phone - but if I ever do, I'll know to turn the apps off!

    ReplyDelete
  16. Hilarious post!

    Ugh! double spaces after periods are deadly for graphic designers. We have to painstakingly take them all out because all our programs automatically put space in after periods. I totally understand though because I learned to type like that! Just be aware that somewhere, some poor graphic designer is taking out your double spaces ;)

    And Jeff, push back the damn Craisins!

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  17. This post made me laugh today!!
    The jar of craisins sounds like something that would happen in my home - such a little thing but really?
    And, I always double space after a period. It's how I learned to type on the typewriter that had a manual return many years ago!!! It's how I typed countless papers through college and grad school. It's how I will continue to type!

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  18. Loved this post Shelley! And just an FYI, you can always ask your store to carry brands for you, that's how I finally got Chobani in my store!

    I actually use "Barkeeper Friends" and it works just as good as Bon Ami. And I too will always use two spaces at the end of a sentence. End of story!

    ReplyDelete
  19. I'm also old school, and I'm afraid I will remain so. Our typing/shorthand teacher, Miss B. would turn over in her grave if she thought that one of her "girls" would not double space after a period. Her teaching style was wound as tightly as the braids that circled her head, and when she spoke, we listened up.

    I was also a Bon Ami girl, and I learned to type on the old Royal manual typewriters; but I fell in love with the Selectric. Thanks for the memories and a fun read!

    ReplyDelete
  20. Hahaha, your letter to Jeff is my favorite because my husband does stuff like that every day too! We have to pull the coffee maker out a little on the cupboard in order to start making coffee, but it probably really would kill him to slide it a few inches back to the wall again.

    ReplyDelete
  21. OMG I am crying with laughter over the craisins. MEN!!

    Yay for your Mon Ami returning to the fold!

    ReplyDelete

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