It's also no secret that I've been disappointed with how my stomach looks after my weight loss. Even at my smallest size, which was about two years ago (during the height of my half marathon training), I still could see my distended, flabby belly showing in every outfit. While I was thrilled at my smaller body, I hated my stomach. Cut to now. I'm not actively trying to lose weight, but I am seeing good changes from all this running - my legs are toning up, and my clothes feel looser, which is great - I'd put on some weight during Hell Year (2011 - my mom's cancer diagnosis and my ankle injury led to some stress eating), and it's coming off without a lot of effort under the guise of dieting. I just make decent food choices most of the time, and don't feel the need to eat a bag of coconut M&M's on a daily basis any more.
I have many days where I'm happy with my body, and what it can do for me. I like being able to wear cute clothes. I think I've figured out what looks flattering on my body, and I try to only wear clothes that I feel good in. But as good as I feel when I look straight in the mirror, if I catch a glimpse of myself from the side view, those feelings disappear. There it is, my stomach blob. Hard to escape it, and I know that even if I were to buckle down and go back to a more rigorous diet, it would still be there - sure, it'd be smaller, but based on how I looked two years ago, it's not going to go away. I think it's just a sad remnant of too many years of being overweight - my body can't bounce back to perfectly thin anymore. And that's something that I work to accept - what other choice do I have, really? I'm not one to continually whine and moan about my plight (well, except for running in hot weather), especially when I did this to myself.
So back to that disordered thinking. I hesitated to write about this - it's embarrassing to realize that I'm still just one stop away from getting on the crazy train when it comes to body issues. But something hit me while watching the synchronized swimming competition at the Olympics, and it brought it all front and center - hipbones. Seeing the hipbones on these women - razor-sharp, jutting out - for a moment, I wanted that.
Team from Spain - hipbones galore.
I pretty much gave up on the idea of ever seeing my hipbones again after I'd lost 100 pounds and they were nowhere in sight. I wasn't interested in starving myself to see if they'd reappear - I had better things to do, and was enjoying having a fit and healthy body. The thing is, I still am. Except, that it scares me to have thoughts like "I wonder if I stopped eating, if I could get my hipbones to appear?" - what the heck??? I thought I was DONE with that kind of thinking. Besides, I could not starve and continue to run, and I also like my frozen yogurt way too much to never eat it. But wow...the fact that this thought has entered my mind more than once since seeing those swimmers has made me realize that this disorder is still lurking in the back of my mind. It doesn't make sense, and while I feel crazy for even entertaining these thoughts I'm sane enough to not act on them, but there you go - apparently some things never really disappear.