...or at least, back on the path, anyway.
So cupcakes. They've been slow in coming to my town - don't ask me why, as you'd think a town full of college students would be a great market. I guess maybe the plethora of frozen yogurt places intimidated the cupcakeries? I digress. Backstory is that along with the cupcake cruiser (aka food truck) that you can find around here, we now have a new cupcake place. I drove by (and made note of) it every day on my way home from my seasonal job. Now, cupcakes aren't my first choice when it comes to treats - frozen yogurt has my heart - but I'll admit, the gourmet ones look verrry appealing. And while I very easily could have stopped at the cupcake place, bought one, crammed it in my mouth and then driven home like nothing happened, I didn't do that. Because I am not the same person I was a few years ago. (Yes, the old me would have done something like that...I'm not proud of it, but hey, you don't get to be 256 pounds by sharing your food!)
For some reason, Jeff was on a really healthy eating kick right after Christmas, and I knew that if I asked him to go with me to the cupcakerie, he'd hem and haw and what I wanted was enthusiasm. Cupcakes!!! Come on!!! Luckily (for me), he ended up having to go out of town while Max was still home on break, so I corralled Max to go with me one evening after dinner. I just wanted to get one and split it, but I wanted to have it guilt-free. And what better accomplice than your (adult) child?
We walked in. The place was clean and bright, very appealing. We approached the cupcakes, and something happened that almost stopped me dead in my tracks. The person working there? Was as large as the old me. It was like looking in the mirror - while she was a nice person, very friendly and welcoming - I got an instant flashback of who I used to be. And why this me, the person who lost a lot of weight and has been (mostly) maintaining that loss, doesn't eat this kind of food very often.
Now, I'm not being a fat-hater. Far from it...if she is happy with herself, then that's awesome. I had several years where I decided that I would just accept being overweight and really enjoyed my (limited, I know now) life - I was the person who ate with abandon, didn't feel any guilt over not dieting, never exercised at all, enjoyed shopping for (bigger and bigger sized) clothes at Lane Bryant - it was fun. I eventually made the decision to give dieting one last try because I was tired of feeling crummy, but that was a personal thing and not a declaration that everyone in the world must lose weight.
Anyway, we did split a cupcake (peanut butter and chocolate with peanut butter frosting and chocolate ganache filling) and it was ridiculously good. So good, in fact, that I do not plan on going back there anytime soon - because I got a scary reminder of who I used to be, and who I could very easily become again, if I'm not careful. I still drive by the cupcake place fairly often, but I have to admit, it no longer has the allure that it did before I went there a month ago. And yes, I do think part of it is because I got a glimpse of my former self...and I don't want that person to reappear.