Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Before the funeral services began, they had a picture slide show. It was hard to see Ryan as a toddler, wearing the same Oshkosh overalls that Max did. Playing with the same Little Tykes toys. T-ball and soccer, swimming...all the things little boys did growing up. I have a lot of empathy for Ryan's family. It is just so wrong to lose your child like this.
Max made it through the funeral better than the visitation, and, as a pallbearer, helped to carry his friend's casket to the grave site. Some words were spoken, and the boys all removed their red rose boutonnieres and placed them on top of the casket. They hugged Ryan's family once again and then gathered outside of the tent. As the minutes went by, Jeff and I observed them going from solemn to quietly talking to gentle laughter...and that was when we knew that they were moving on to the acceptance part of grieving. Max later told us that they started talking about what Ryan would have hated about his funeral (the country singer with the guitar) and from that moved onto funny stories about him.
Max will be ok. I think his friends will be ok. But I hope they never have to go through something like this again.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Ryan was 19 years old.
What makes this even more horrible is that the 17 year old brother of one of Max's friends did the exact same thing a week ago. Needless to say, we are all reeling with shock and sadness. We headed up to Denton (a three hour drive each way) last night to go and pick Max up, but hadn't gotten very far when he called - his friend had offered to drive him home, and they were on their way. So we turned around, got back home...and waited. What do you do? Besides cry, I mean. I was glad that Max came home. He needed to be home, and we needed to be there for him.
Today Max spent a few hours, along with another friend, visiting Ryan's parents. Tomorrow is the visitation, and Monday the funeral...where Max will be a pallbearer. He is just wrecked about Ryan.
While we were at the Men's Warehouse this evening getting another dress shirt for Max (he only owns one), another young man was there, buying clothes for the funeral. This shouldn't be happening. They should be buying dress clothes for dates and job interviews, not funerals for their friends.
I feel so useless. All we, as parents, can do is the best that we can. But sometimes, that isn't enough.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Let me just say that it was bad. Really, really bad. I was huge. Very, very huge. And what is scary is that I didn't think I looked that big. I mean, really. I think the mirrors in the dressing rooms at Lane Bryant are bewitched to make you look good in their clothes. Either that, or I suffered from Fatorexia. You know how anorexics look in the mirror and see a fat person? Apparently I am the opposite: I looked in the mirror and while I didn't see a thin person, I certainly did not see that fat person who was in those pictures. I am shocked.
And glad that I'm not that big anymore.
Funny, but I don't believe those pictures could have motivated me to start losing weight. Because obviously I disassociated myself from that person. But I see her now. And believe me, that is the only place I want to see her - in those old pictures. Not in my mirror. But I wonder...how will I know the difference? What if I'm still fatorexic?
Someday, maybe when I'm at my ideal size (whatever that may end up being), I'll have to post the pictures. Until then, you'll just have to take my word for it.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
The strength training is a tricky beast - I start a set of say, 18 somethings (can never remember the names), and at the five count, I'm thinking "this is easy, I could handle way more than 18" but then it gets to the 12 count and I'm starting to really feel it and finally 18 gets there - whew! Then I do something else, and then I'm back to the original something, only now it's 22 - ut oh. So far I've been able to complete everything, but it is harder than it looks.
I was really sore from last week's workout until Friday morning. And after this Monday's workout, I could feel it, but was not as incredibly sore as last week. I figured the worst was over...wrong! I woke up Tuesday, sore...in different places! What is up with that?!? My thighs were no longer killing me, but my calves and the backs of my knees were - and these were the same exercises! The body is weird, I'm telling ya!
But, and this is so strange for me to admit because I am a lazy wuss, I kind of like the soreness. It makes me feel like I am making my muscles work for me. Obey my commands (ok, Brad's commands), my muscle-y minions!
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Here are some fun facts:
- I liked the rowing machine
- I liked the "80's exercise bike"
- I did "Swiss crunches" using a big ball
- The plank hold does not involve a board of any kind
- The only reason I kept riding the spinning bike is because my feet were strapped to the pedals
- I walked on a treadmill and didn't fly off the back
- Boxing was fun
- Except when I was so tired I could barely move my leg to kick the bag
- The stepper is horrible and I hope it breaks down soon
- Die, stepper, die
- I used 6 and 8 pound weights - woot!
- My strength instructor Brad is cool
- My Monday cardio instructor Linda is cool
- My Wednesday cardio instructor Will was a high school classmate of my oldest son, Sam, and really should have been much nicer to me because of that
- I may have to call his mother
- I have more muscles than I realized...and they all hurt this week!
One more story before I stop my whining: As I was "working my core" by kicking the bag five times per leg for what felt like an eternity (but was three minutes, I think), I got slower and slower - slo-motion would have been faster than me at that point. All I could think was how I had made fun of Joelle on The Biggest Loser for moving so slow in her workouts, and how that bitch karma was now kicking my ass.
Monday, February 9, 2009
But something happened today that made me realize that it's all in the perception: After I finished my first workout today (more on that in another post), I was chatting with Linda, one of the cardio instructors. She was showing me a printout copy of food "blocks" and was offering, if I was interested (she wasn't pushy as all) to have Brad (the owner, and strength trainer) figure up how many of these blocks I could eat in a day. I think this is part of The Zone diet, although I'm not for sure, as I was a zoning out a bit after that workout (more later, I promise!). She said how it had worked wonders for her, along with the workouts, of course, and showed me some "before" pictures where she was kinda hefty. Not too bad, but still, compared to what she looks like now, big. I said that I was interested in the food block plan, as I had lost 60 pounds but was curious to see what this "block" plan could do for me...and it was funny, because I could see the gears in her head changing.
See, she saw me as an overweight person who was starting a fitness program, not as someone who has had some success with weight-loss and who is ready to step up to the next level. And that was just fine with me, because it confirmed what, deep down, I know...that I do still have a ways to go. So I'm not crazy. But my friends might be.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Friday, February 6, 2009
I have so many more choices now when it comes to shopping for clothes. I can go into practically any store (well, not stores like The Limited or American Eagle because, let's face it, I am too *ahem* mature for their selections) and try on whatever I want to because they carry my size. And then, I can pick and choose what I want to buy, instead of having to purchase something because I am desperate for clothes and it, whatever it is, fits. I can shop around for the best deals, because I am not limited to a couple of stores or tiny sections in department stores. Last Saturday I went to Macy's and was amazed as I moved from section to section, choosing items to try on. The selections were endless! And the cool thing? Every piece of clothing that I chose to try on actually fit. Un-frickin-believable! In the end, I only bought one thing - an up-to-the-minute, in-style now tangerine-colored cardigan that will coordinate nicely with several of my shirts. Just something to perk myself up...a little reward along the way. Yes, I'm definitely liking the choices!
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
· Meet with a nutritionist (I believe I can do this through my health plan) and go over my food intake, which leads to: My health plan no longer employs a nutritionist, so any nutritional counseling would have to come from my regular family practitioner – and as dieting doesn’t seem to be his “thing” I don’t think I will bother with him.
· Track my food intake and keep daily calories to 800 - 1000, with emphasis on protein and fiber (unless the nutritionist recommends otherwise). I’ve been pretty successful with this – some days I’ve gone as high as 1,200 to 1,400 calories, but overall it’s been right around 1,000.
· "Shake It Thursdays" - this means that I will drink my NutriMed 420 shakes and have my favorite 300 calorie garden veggie pita from Pita Pit for lunch, for a total intake on this day only of approx. 620 calories. Thursdays are my crazy busy days - I work from 9 to 6, then go to a meeting at 7:30, and I finally make it home for the night around 9 pm. It's just easier to not have to mess with trying to eat full meals on this day. This has worked well for me; I’ll continue doing it for the next month.
· I will not eat baked goods - I have too many opportunities at work (hellooo, cakelady!) with receptions, open houses and fundraisers, and if I just mentally know that these are not an option, then there will be no opportunity for overindulgence. Excellent policy to have – we had one reception, one open house, one staff birthday party and two meetings with treats. I’m going to try and keep with this until my birthday in June.
· Get back to taking a multi-vitamin every day. Yep – I even had to buy a new bottle as I finally finished my old one.
· Increase my exercise, which won't be hard at this point, seeing as I have not been doing my Wii Fit or riding my bike lately, which also leads to: Not so much. Very little bike riding – it’s just been too cold for me. Very little Wii Fit as well. Must work harder at this for February.
· Choosing a tiny bit of exercise (walking) over a great parking space. Yes – it’s funny how proud of myself I am when I park and walk a bit to a store!
· Read "Refuse to Regain" this month - even though I'm not at my goal weight, I don't want to go backwards at this point...which also leads to: Haven’t read it yet – got caught up in Dietgirl and other library books. I will read it this month.
· Get to my goal weight by my birthday (June 2) - oh, and finally figure out what my goal weight is...150? 130? I really don't know right now. I’m losing, so that is good. But I still don’t have a goal weight. Do I really need one at this point? Or can I just see how I feel when I weigh 150?
Overall, I've had some successes. What surprises me is that I've kept up with most of my resolutions for an entire month - not my usual M.O. Geez, maybe some of this is becoming a habit! I'm not used to having good habits...who am I, again?